I remember tong 1st year college pa ko when one of my subjects always naay bonus item sa last part sa test paper and one of the questions nga dili nako malimtan is “What is your biggest fear and why?” I immediately wrote, “My biggest fear is having an unrecognizable physical illness.”
And my reason at that time was one of my female friends died from stage 4 cervical cancer, an illness that shows no symptoms at the early stage. Napansin lang niya tong time nga nag unusual private part bleeding na sya according to her husband. This is the reason why I was having this kind of fear before. In other words, it is still death that I fear pero specific. Death thru this kind of illness.
But when I started to know more about Jesus, the truth, understand more about salvation, the things that pleases and displeases God, I realized that my fear is mabaw ra kaayo. What I should have been fearing the most is maabtan kog kamatayon without knowing my life’s purpose, not following God’s commands, and the worst is living a sinful life.
I was lost, but God found me. I am not worthy, but God gave me a chance to repent and to live in His will.
In every stage of our lives, we have different kinds of fears. And I’m glad that at this life’s stage, I found what I should be fearing the most. How about you? What is your biggest fear and why?
You were in love then Cherished sweet moments together Believing your love is forever Everyday you missed each other Assured by your “always there through thick ‘n’ thin”
Each day she started with excitement and happiness Receiving your cheesy-yet-sweet messages Suddenly, everything twisted into lies The one who lightens her dimmed heart Now left a scar and took his given art
Maybe she was wrong That your love was going to be strong Pretending that she was alright She hid in the shadow of smiles Hoped you’d see the sorrow in her eyes
You tried to win her heart back Flowers, letters, chocolates you brought Efforts wasn’t came to naught Those took off the pain and hatred she bears But nothing removes her stain of tears
The song entitled was written and sang by Emeli Sande, a Scottish recording artist and a song writer. When I listened to the song for the first time, I really liked its message. The song is about encouragement to shout out about everything or anything you want to say to the special person or special group of people.
I found this song relatable to me, especially the lines, “You’ve spent a lifetime stuck in silence afraid you’ll say something wrong. If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?” which struck me most.
These lines left me with a disturbing question, ”How would people know my story or know what I think or feel if I keep on shutting my mouth?” As I thought of myself, when I want to say or express my thoughts or feelings to someone or to other people, I sometimes hesitate or keep silent because of the fear I might say something wrong, no one will care or they will think it’s stupid.
This question is philosophical as it inquires about reality, the meaning of one’s life should be live as how his surroundings affect or influenced him. It gave birth to more questions like, “Why should I keep my mouth shut? What hinders me to express or show them my story? Why should I be afraid? Do their judgments matter? Why am I worry of what they will say? Why am I letting them to dictate my life?”
These questions kept me uneasy and conscious of myself on dealing with others. But after listening the whole song, I’m thankful of its message as it gives hope for a voice. I realized that I shouldn’t allow fear of what others might think of me. I know it’s not always easy to find that inner voice, get strength, and to shout it out but when you find that strength, you will no longer afraid to let people know it all. We are all wonderful people. We are all unique, even the most normal-seeming person, we shouldn’t let to keep whatever greatness we have inside us hidden.
Have you ever tried being blocked by your ex-boyfriend on Facebook or other social media accounts? Well, to me it happened many times.
Mostly, I’ve been blocked from my friends before who became my enemies. But being blocked by your ex-boyfriend is another story.
I don’t get the idea of blocking exes on Facebook or other social media sites, but being blocked by someone makes you feel you have vanished, that you no longer exist on their Facebook experience and you no longer exists into their life.
Recently, I decided to break up with my ex-boyfriend because of prioritizing things at school and I don’t want to be distracted. Sometimes we had quarrels about who’s guys I’m with or he longs for my time because I really am busy with school stuffs. We both love each other and it’s inevitable not to get paranoid or worry sometimes, like is he cheating on me?
Thinking of these things made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. A decision came to my mind that I have to end our relationship in an appropriate way and to clarify everything…to make him understand me and support of my decision.
But things turned the way I did not expected. We had disagreement. He doesn’t want the idea of breaking up. So I forget about my decision.
The following weeks, our mutual friend told me that he’s been getting close to his girl classmates. It made me jealous though I have trust on him but I was feeling uneasy. I don’t know why. And I hate the feeling of being disturbed because of these things as I can’t focus on my studies. So I chatted him, told him that we should focus first on our studies because I can’t hold it any longer…The time I allotted for him instead of studying, the fights we had, the misunderstandings…I can’t manage anymore. My mind is full.
After exchanging lots of chats, I left him with “Be happy. Do well at school. I will let you do the things what you want to do. I won’t be disturbing you anymore” within my lengthy message. I didn’t reply on his last, short message.
Few hours passed by, when I opened our chat box again, a one-sentence notification appeared below the typing box …
“You can’t reply to this conversation.”
And I was like, seriously? How could he do that? Blocking me on Facebook isn’t new. But this is different. Why did he blocked me? Was he annoyed or hurt of not responding? Didn’t he believed on me? Was he thinking that I had already moved on and forget him which he hated? Did he want to forget me? Did he want me to be out of his online life? What about in real life? Did he want to completely forget about me?
These questions loaded my mind afterwards. I just ignored it. After that I didn’t contact him, so was he. I didn’t want to have hard feelings with him and I don’t like that we end up like this. He must have different reasons of blocking me. Maybe because he doesn’t want any drama in his life, or doesn’t want to find out that I’ve moved on and lately will know I will have a new boyfriend, or he wanted us to have space from each other so he can put the pieces of his life back together again.
But still, I thought of more possible reasons why. Maybe because he will be dating someone and doesn’t want me to know of what him and his new girlfriend will do, or maybe because he has nothing to do with me, like he doesn’t care anymore.
But this is one thing I am sure, he blocked me so that he can’t see all of my posts and don’t want to get notifications from me as these will remind me of him and he might not bear it.
So, how could Facebook blocking be a broken heart healer?
I sometimes told myself that this must happened, that I should be happy because this is what I have waited, to be finally free from a toxic relationship, to have a space between us, to live our lives without depending on each other. It was really painful for me but I have to bear with it. I know we both got hurt and maybe the best thing he can do was blocking me. Now I can see that we learned to let go as this is part of healing process. Maybe time will come that we can contact each other again and go back as friends. For now, I don’t want to get involved in his life and the new direction he will be taking. I will respect his desire of a little bit space away from me.